Friday, January 11, 2008

Eleven months later...

Dear Breast Cancer,

You came at me with a vengence this time, bowling me over, and causing me to fall straight into the hole - the hole of depression, lethargy and despair. It was so quick, I didn't even notice, and I heard you snicker as the days turned into weeks and into months. Falling so fast, I looked for comfort and found a soft couch upon which to curl into a ball. Though I knew I shouldn't, I lay there imagining I could feel you invading my every cell. (after all, you've already taken over so many places in my body, I wonder how I am alive sometimes). Yes I imagined I could feel you sinking your vile tendrils of death into every part of my body. I should never have done that -- I gave you an open invitation to destroy my life which you happily tried to do. Alone and scared in that dark hole, I lay aching and empty. Every so often, I'd look up and could see little bits of sunshine tempting, luring me to find the will to crawl out of the hole.

But every day the hole seemed to grow deeper and deeper. What was this hole anyway? And why did I allow you to push me into it? I hadn't even noticed for so long, hadn't paid attention at all. Now I looked around the dark and dank hole. I saw there were several piles - one appeared to be some wood, and another some tools. I wasn't even interested in investigating them, I just lay on that couch staring at them blankly, and you, cancer were almost giddy with your feeling of conquest.

One day, a good friend appeared at the edge of the hole. "Why don't you climb out?" she shouted down to me.

"I don't remember how", I answered, tears pouring down my face.

"You have all the tools you need right there beside you. You can use them to help you out of the hole." my friend replied.

"I don't want to bother." I said, the thought of it yanking at my stomach.

"You can do it, and you must." my dear friend responded, "Use the wood and tools to build a ladder to pull yourself out. You have all the tools, now use them!" I looked over at the huge pile of oddly shaped pieces of wood I'd have to sort through, and glanced at the pile of unfamiliar tools... It was all too much, I just couldn't.

"If you have to build the ladder one piece at a time, then do so. I will stay here and help guide you. YOU must show the cancer who is boss!"

And so I began, slowly and cautiously, my body aching and weak. I selected the pieces of wood I'd need, and searched through the tools for those that would get the job done. "There!" I thought, "now I really do have all my tools in place to get out of here." I could feel excitement begin to build inside of me. But it wasn't long before exhaustion threatened my concentration. Looking up, I could see my friend waiting patiently for me, smiling down at me. "Just try to do a little more." she said, "Hammer one nail, just begin to make your ladder."

"One nail. I can do that." I thought.

And I began to hammer.

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